Well I figured I would write down my feelings to help me deal with the things in my life so here it goes. I recently lost someone in my life that means the world to me and I have a lot of questions. Trisha was the one I spent 4 months with and recently our relationship ended. I feel a lot of mixed feelings because I feel like I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel a lot of hurt because I felt that I finally found the person that I could have spent the rest of my life with. I don’t deal with loss very well and I’m trying to figure out if losing her hurts because of the kind of person of person she is or if I’m really in love with her as much as I think I am. When we were together I felt a bond with her but there was always something missing in my feelings with her. I enjoyed spending time with her and the kids, I enjoyed talking to her, everything just seemed like it should be a relationship made in heaven. I just didn’t feel that spark that I’ve had in my previous relationships. Even though I know these things, since she left I feel as if I lost my whole world. Why is that? When we lived together I didn’t feel like I was with someone I couldn’t live without. Is it because now that she’s gone I feel failure that the relationship didn’t work? Am I scared that she’s gonna give someone the chance to enjoy her for the kind of person she really is? It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I miss her so much or why I feel like I’ve lost the woman of my dreams. She was always someone I felt I could tell anything to or talk to about anything. I’ve never been with anyone that I felt that comfortable with. The one and only problem I think I had was my inability to have that physical connection with her. I was comfortable with touching her or snuggling with her in a way that showed I really liked her, but my ability to make love to her and feel a real connection with her in a sexual way just didn’t exist the way that I wanted. When we made love I didn’t feel a total fulfillment with her. I don’t know if it was because of her problems with having an orgasm or what but I felt that the spark wasn’t there therefore I didn’t feel as if the circle of our relationship was complete. I didn’t feel that closeness to her physically to go along with the emotional connection I had with her. She is an attractive woman but when I looked at her I didn’t have that feeling of total physical attraction like I had with Lauri or Tonya. It was like I had the comfort emotionally with Trisha and I had the comfort physically with Tonya but never had both comforts with the woman I was in the actual relationship with. I found myself missing Tonya while I was with Trisha because with Tonya I did have that physical fulfillment but didn’t have the emotional fulfillment with her so I kept telling myself that if I would have had the emotional connection with Tonya that I had with Trisha that I would still be with Tonya. I was juggling different emotions between 2 different women. I know that there are other factors that determined the outcome of Trisha and I’s relationship not working out. She has 4 kids that are very young and demand a lot of patience. I thought I had that patience when we weren’t living together because I knew that when I would go over to Trisha’s house that I could leave anytime I felt like I couldn’t handle being around them whenever they were acting like little kids do. When they moved in I then came to the reality that I had to deal with them on an everyday basis and I couldn’t escape that when they became overwhelming. We lived in the same house so I had to deal with their ups and downs. I wasn’t ready for that. My mom pointed something out that now when I look back I do realize it was that way. I try to look back at way I made the decision to ask her to move in. I do think I did it because I knew that my life could be a little better financially because of the fact that she did have a job and was getting $1200 a month in child support so I think I saw a better way of life was ahead plus I could feel the comfort of having a family atmosphere again which is something I crave. What I didn’t take into account was I was moving a woman and her 4 kids into my house without that total circle complete that I mentioned earlier. I was hoping that maybe that circle would complete itself by having that family atmosphere and it would help me feel that spark by having her to wake up to everyday and feeling that everyday closeness waking up to her everyday. As things started off I didn’t feel as uncomfortable with everything because of the newness of having her and the kids here everyday. I felt as if we were playing house. As the days went by though the little things started to show themselves as things that I became more uncomfortable with. I was into a routine of managing a household full of kids and trying to discipline someone else’s kids when I didn’t feel like I needed to when we weren’t living together. I found myself looking at Trisha everyday wondering if I was really into her enough to feel like I could live with her and spend the rest of my life with her. She would walk around the house in her pajama pants or something and there were things I saw with her physically that I didn’t feel I was attracted to. With Tonya, when I looked at her every minute I always felt like I wanted to ravage her body. She is such a sexy woman physically that I always wanted to have my hands on her. With Trisha I just didn’t feel that way. I saw the stretch marks all over and her body was the body of someone that had 4 kids and I just didn’t feel the desire to touch her unless she was wearing something that made her look appealing. I really wasn’t attracted to her naked body therefore it made it hard for me to want to make love to her all the time like she wanted. It seems very shallow to think that but I think sexual desire comes from how a woman looks and how she brings out that desire to wanna make love to her over and over again. I just didn’t feel that way with Trisha plus on top of that we didn’t have that intense sex that sometimes makes a woman more desirable even though she may not have the great body of women I’ve been with before. When I look back at the loss I think the thing that is making it so hard is the feeling of losing a good friend without feeling a great loss of a lover. She didn’t fulfill my sexual needs but she did warm my heart with the kind of person she was on an emotional level. I think it’s harder to find a woman who makes you feel comfortable on an emotional level and with the fact that I’ve never had a relationship with someone that made me feel special on the inside it makes me feel like I’ve lost my whole world when in fact I feel more like I lost my best friend. I guess the smoke just has to clear and things need to get back to where maybe we can see each other without the sad feelings and I have to realize that there are other women out there that I can find that emotional connection with but also that I can have that physical connection with.